Marriage is a journey filled with ups and downs, joys and challenges. Along the way, couples may fall into certain habits that can be toxic to the health of their relationship. In this post, we'll explore two everyday toxic marriage habits and offer strategies for change.

1. Pointing Out Blind Spots

Marriage fights often stem from attempts to highlight each other's blind spots. Take this scenario: You're heading to the kitchen for a coffee refill when your spouse asks if you could get one for them, too. Your response triggers an argument, with accusations of rudeness and defensiveness flying back and forth. “I always get the coffee; you never return the favor.” “Whatever, you never help me do the dishes after I cook.” It sounds petty, but in general, are your marriage fights any better? These situations usually spiral into further generalizations of someone always being too critical or too defensive. 

In reality, both parties are trying to convince the other that they have a blind spot in their character. While you may feel justified in your actions, your spouse sees them differently. This habit of pointing out blind spots can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and resentment.

How to Change: Instead of focusing on each other's flaws, practice helping them articulate how they feel. Take a step back during disagreements and try to see things from your partner's perspective. Be curious about how they came to their conclusion, even if it makes you “look bad.” They probably have a better idea of your blind spots than anyone else. So, it would be best to listen and accept when feedback comes your way. Communicate openly and respectfully, and be willing to acknowledge your own mistakes. By approaching conflicts with compassion rather than criticism, you can foster a healthier and more supportive relationship.

In other words, seek to fully understand before you try to make changes to their behavior. 

2. Building Biased Narratives

Another toxic habit in marriage is the tendency to construct biased narratives about our spouses based on perceived flaws or past grievances. These narratives are often riddled with assumptions and generalizations, making it challenging to give the benefit of the doubt during disagreements.

Phrases like "you always" or "you never" are tell-tale signs of these biased narratives at play. Instead of viewing our partners as complex individuals with a range of motivations and thoughts, we categorize them based on our preconceived notions.

They will say something that may be slightly off-putting or pudding, whichever you prefer. Instead of thinking there was an unintentional tone in their inflection, or maybe I’m just tired or hungry, you put them in an overly negative characterization, making them undoubtedly rude in your mind. It’s the worst feeling because any slight miscommunication gets filtered through how your false narrative would expect them to act. 

How to Change: Challenge the narratives you've built about your spouse by seeking to understand their perspective in each situation. Pay attention to tell-tale signs of biased narratives, such as using phrases like "you always," "you never," or "you continually.” Instead of making sweeping accusations, rephrase these statements to focus on specific behaviors or actions and express your feelings using "I" statements. For example, instead of saying, "You never help with the dishes,” try saying, "I feel overwhelmed when I'm left to do the dishes alone." 

If a comment or request seems rude, instead of quipping back with sarcasm or an additional rude statement, ask if they are frustrated or need to talk about something on their mind. Say to yourself, “My spouse is generally a thoughtful person, and they hate it when they hurt my feelings.” This is most likely a miscommunication rather than an attack. 

Reframing your language more positively and constructively encourages healthier communication and prevents unnecessary conflict in your marriage. Cultivate a mindset of curiosity and openness, allowing room for growth and change within your relationship.

Breaking free from toxic marriage habits requires intentionality, patience, and a willingness to embrace character flaws. Couples can cultivate a relationship built on mutual respect, trust, and love by fostering empathy, understanding, and open communication.

If you'd like more communication guidance, you can schedule your customized Prepare & Enrich session here.

Best Praxis,

Jordan McKinney Th.M.

Praxis Principle Founder

Prepare & Enrich Facilitator